Also, don’t forget about our live chat on Sunday for the Titans vs. Dolphins game at 12 PM CT.

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It’s nearly the end of the year.  And the reality of it is starting to set in.  Football is almost over.  My stomach drops every time I think about this.  Football is almost over.  It’s like when you’re in a relationship and you just have this feeling that it’s going to end.  That’s why I always take the initiative and dump every chick after the first three dates.  Guess that explains why I’m desperately alone.  And have developed an eating disorder.  Anyways…

On to all things fantasy.  The greatest league in the world has entered the first round of playoffs.  I’ll let the beautiful readers guess who I’m facing off against this week.  You guessed right.  The one and only Rogersworthe.  It’ll be a battle for the ages, a fight that will be truly as epic as the fight against Troy.  But we still have a lot of great match ups this week in fantasy, and I am looking forward to telling you ALL about them.  Lets do this.

Hotties:

• Adrian Peterson:  He’s back.  I think he hit a slump once he figured out he was the 2nd best back in the league.  But Carolina’s run D has been atrocious this year.  And the Favre collapse was predicted by the Mayans to happen halfway through December 2009.  So All Day is going to have some fun this week.
• Jamaal Charles:  How well do you think he would’ve done if he had started at the beginning of the year?  He is doing a bang up job for a terrible, terrible team.  He is living proof as to why Todd Haley is a bad head coach.  Keep it up man.  Keep it up.
• Ricky Williams:  I’m genuinely nervous.  The reason why we were able to stop Steven Jackson is because his team blows black dick.  They killed themselves with penalties, and had a rookie starting at QB.  The Dolphins are infinitely better than the Rams.  We have a lot in common with these South Florida fags, but I think their D is a shade better.  Going to be a good game.
• Aaron Rodgers:  I’m going to go out on a limb and say this right here.  The Steelers are nothing without Troy.  Madden Curse strikes again.  And the Packers are one of the hottest teams in football right now.  It wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up making a deep playoff run.  I would let Aaron punch me in the face and pour honey all over my naked body for the year he’s given me in fantasy btw.
• Kurt Warner:  What an implosion.  The Cardinals had a chance to seal the deal, but instead they turn the ball over seven times.  And Kurt was responsible for three.  I would love to say that the old Warner is back, but they play the Lions this weekend.  You lucked out this time assclown.  Just remember there is always next week for me to tear your ass apart in the back alley behind Hooters.
• Vince Young:  I think Bonnie Tyler really sang the song Bright Eyes about you Vince.  We really need you now tonight.  We fucking need you more than ever.  Because our offense is stagnant without you at the helm.  Come back to us.
• Andre Johnson:  Did anyone watch the Texans-Seahawks game?  Because Andre took a shit all over the damn field.  And guess who he plays this week.  The Rams.  Nuff said.
• DeSean Jackson:  I was cruising through the ole Thesaurus and the word “explosive” had Jackson’s name right under it.  Hand to God.
• Marques Colston:  Has anyone seen the video of Terrance Newman riding a roller coaster for the first time?  Based on his girl-like screams alone, it proves he doesn’t have shit on Colston.  And I love watching Wade Phillips suffer.

/ breathes into bag rapidly

Defensive Hotties:

• Jon Beason:  Just leave that shit eating team and come play for the Titans.  Please?  I’ll be your friend.
• Curtis Lofton:  The Jets don’t have a QB who can throw the ball past 20 yards.  So what are they going to try and do?  Run the ball.  Oodles of tackles for Lofton.
• James Laurinaitis:  Having a surprisingly solid year.  The Rams are bad, so teams are going to build up a giant lead and start to run the ball.  Thus resulting in plays from this young buck.
• Patrick Willis:  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out he’s hung like a horse too.

Fuglies:

• Brandon Jacobs:  Fuck the Giants.  Nothing does my heart more good than to watch your team crash and burn.  Go fuck yourselves New York.
• Rashard Mendenhall:  Somehow the Packers have come out with the best defense in the NFL.  They work the 3-4 to perfection.  I would honestly be surprised if Mendenhall has over 60 yards rushing.
• DeAngelo Williams:  As much as I hate Brett Favre, you have to show respect to the Vikings run D.  They have on of the most stout d lines I’ve ever seen.  DeAngelo is not going to do shit this weekend.  Ugly as fuck.
• Brett Favre:  The collapse is near.  I can feel it.  Pretty sure there’s a screenplay in the works starring John Cussack for when this historical moment takes place.
• Eli Manning:  Had to listen to a botard at work try and tell me Eli is one of the best QBs in the league.  He also tried to tell me that he’s passed for 4000 yards each season and hit 30 TDs twice.  Making up stats is fun isn’t it fuck head?  Because he has done neither, and is lucky to be wearing a Super Bowl ring.  I hate the Pats, but replay that game and the Giants only win once every ten tries.  Do your damn research chicken shit.
• Calvin Johnson:  Megatron seriously, get some fucking sense and move to Nashville.  Give in to your urges.
• Vincent Jackson:  Guy has disappeared.  And I really hate that the Chargers have so much success in December.  But this time Cinci is actually going to step up when it matters most.

Well this rounds up the second to last Hotties and Fuglies.  Good luck in the playoffs, and remember.  Cheer for me over Rogersworthe.  Because I love you.

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Damn Lando, you’ve got it going on!

The above is a quote from the modern philosopher Rogersworthe.  And you know what?  He’s absolutely right.  Minus a couple of guys, I nailed last weeks Hotties and Fuglies.  Even though he’s my boy, I’ve got one thing to say to Greg Jennings.  Fuck you man.  Fuck you.  You think you’re hot shit in a champagne glass, when you’re really just cold diarrhea in a dixie cup.  How the hell is Aaron Rodgers going to pass for 300 yards and you only get forty of them.  Forty??

Alright did a few lines and now I’m focused and back on track (Cocaine is hell of a drug.)  This is the time of the week, the time when waivers clear and you’re thinking of who’s hot and who’s not.  And as always, here I am, sitting here at my computer,  ready to bless you mere mortals with my fantasy eggs of knowledge.  Time to crack them all over your heads.

Hotties:

• Peyton Manning:  The guy is a BEAST.  He’s proven that anyone can enter the NFL, even if you’ve been graded your whole life on a curve.  He’s also facing the Titans secondary, which hasn’t been this bad since ‘83.  Look for an amazing week from stupid, sexy Peyton.
• Tony Homo:  Gay.
• Joe Flacco:  Man I hate the Ravens aka The Devil’s Handmaidens.  But they’re really good this year, thanks to Flacco.  This proves what a real franchise QB can do for a team.  Take notes Fish.  Oh, and he plays the Bengals who gave up the entire field to Massachuqoitdideakd or whatever his name is.  Cleveland’s rookie.  There we go.
• Adrian “Killer Croc” Peterson:  Green Bay geared in against him and let Favre peak all over on Monday.  But I saw the commercial that allowed me to give him this amazing nick name.  I’m going to take that as a sign that St. Louis is going to get run over.(Random fact, if you google AP with his shirt off our website is the first result. I take full credit.)  Hot to trot.
• Steve Slaton:  Took a leaf out of Arnold’s book and came back last week.  Man what a week too.  Guess what?  He’s going to do it again.  Because Arizona blows big D.  Just sayin.
• Chris Johnson:  Already one of the sexiest players in the league.  And he probably looks amazing with his dreads in a ponytail.
• Reggie Wayne:  It pains me to write this…  but who do the Titans have to cover him?  Exactly.
• Andre Johnson:  This guy is the real deal.  He’s a playmaker.  This guy knows how to win. (Was that enough gay ESPN analysis for you?)  But for real, Johnson is going against Arizona.  And if Schaub stays healthy that means oodles upon oodles of points for Andre.
• Mike Sims-Walker:  This boat is real.  He looked pretty damn good against us last week.  And Seattle’s D isn’t much better.  Not the same numbers but he’s still gonna do good.

Here comes 0-5

Fuglies:

• Kurt Warner:  He’s going to be a mainstay on this list for most of the season.  Last year was a fluke.  Plus he’s too conservative to be hot.  Fugly.
• Carson Palmer:  The Ravens defense is amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  I really don’t know how they do it.  Plus if it takes overtime to seal the deal against one of the worst teams in the league, than the Ravens are definitely going to give him a run for his money.
• Matt Cassel:  Offense will end up passing every play because of how bad their defense is.  But he’s not going to light it up.  He’s a ten footer.  Looks great from ten feet away, but when he gets up close you’re really disappointed.
• Clinton Portis:  I’m surprised people are still projecting him to do well.  This is one of the most embarrassing teams I’ve watched in a long time.  It’s fun to watch teams pummel them.  Carolina isn’t great, but they’re going to have fun getting their first win of the year.
• Michael Turner:  San Francisco is good this year.  And “The Burner” is still under the influence of the 370 curse.  If you listened to Matthew Berry’s horrible advice and drafted him over Adrian Peterson than you deserve to have your team taken away from you.
• Ronnie Brown:  The only real offensive threat for the Dolphins.  But I don’t think the Wildcat will work against this D.  They shut down the run.  For this week, as fugly as they come.
• Santonio Holmes:  I don’t know what changed since Week 1 and the Super Bowl, but he has been BAD the past two weeks.  I really think he is injured but still playing because he is dropping the balls left and right.
• Roddy White:  Supposed to be  a top ten wide receiver.  Guy is one of the best deep threats in the league, but Atlanta isn’t dialing up deep routes for him.  Like Barack Obama says, it’s time for a change.

Well that sums it up for this week.  Good luck and remember Lando works the vajayjay.

Been reading a lot about life in Ancient Greece

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If you’re like me and you have no real emotional connection these days to either the Minnesota Vikings or the Green Bay Packers then you are just plain old sick of Brett Favre.  Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Good God, not another Brett Favre blog!  Holy hell kid, get a real job.”  Trust me, I understand.  Bashing or praising, anything even mentioning Favre is nauseating.

But seriously.  C’mon, given the chance to share your opinion, would any of you really pass up the chance to make a few Favre jokes?  Or really not mention the stark erection Jon Gruden sported for three hours?  By the way, anyone else catch that moment right after they showed the video clip of Gruden back when he was a receivers coach for Green Bay and he was having a sideline conversation with Favre?  I believe Gruden ended the segment by saying, “I’ll tell you what, I sure do miss him,” and then proceeded to gaze lovingly and erotically back towards the field, towards the love of his life that got away.  I guarantee that will provide Gruden with any mental images he needs to perform sexual relations on, well, whatever it is Jon Gruden has sex with.

But really, all of the Favre fandom is just so much overkill.  ESPN literally will probably make an ESPNFavre.com just because they think that since it’s a good idea, others will think so too, like Peter King.  I mean it really has gotten to the point of absurdity.

Gruden also dropped this gem sometime in the second half; “You gotta be impressed he moved the ball from the 1 to the 40.”  Really?  Really Jon?  Do I really have to be impressed that a quarterback moved the ball 40 damn yards?!?  Seriously?!?  Are you smoking crack?  But I guess you’re right Jon, more importantly than any pass he threw, was the fact that Favre was able to move the ball 40 freaking yards.

Ok, so maybe that was more of a Jon Gruden bash than a Favre bash.  Either way, it still felt good to get that off my chest.

Anyway, lost in all of this Favre loving and television muting is the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are a damn good football team.  Granted, Adrian Peterson didn’t have a great night, but the Vikings still ran the ball 30 times, Peterson having 25 of those carries.  By comparison, Ryan Grant had only 11 carries and the Packers as a team only had 17.  Now, any moderately attentive football fan knows that when you don’t run the ball the defense can just pin their ears back and attack the quarterback.  I don’t think the Packers have a terrible running attack, it just poses no threat whatsoever, which is what led to the Vikings having 8 sacks and 9 QB hits.  That means they hit Aaron Rodgers 17 times.  Holy crap.  The Packers only ran 62 total plays.  That means 27% of the time the Packers were running a play, Rodgers was knocked to the ground.  That’s insane.  By comparison the Packers had 0 sacks and only 1 QB hit.  Are you f***ing kidding me?

This leads me to my next point regarding the offensive lines of both teams.  First of all, the Packers o-line isn’t very good and they have injuries along the front five.  In contrast, the Vikings line basically was a giant wall of purple jerseys.  The proof is in the numbers.

The result was Favre had all day to throw.  Apparently he was actually touched once by a defender, and sadly it was a landmark achievement for the Packer D.  But really, what QB wouldn’t succeed with that running game and that offensive line?  (Oh wait, he exists.  His name is Tarvaris Jackson.)

By the way, the Vikings also have one of the nastiest defensive lines in the NFL and a stout defense in general, while the Pack have injuries in the secondary and have recently switched their defense from a 4-3 to a 3-4.  I guess it also helps that the Vikings have had the #1 rush defense the past 3 years while the Packers were one of the worst defenses in all of football last season.

This leads me to my final point and it hearkens back to the last podcast I did with Rogersworthe, in which I stated that with a great team built around them, a decent or fairly good QB could succeed and look pretty spectacular at times.  Look at Mark Sanchez and the Jets.  That team is really good.  I wonder what would happen if we switched Sanchez with Tarvaris Jackson.  The same situation happened last year in Baltimore and Tennessee.  It can even win a Super Bowl as it did in 2000 when Trent Dilfer led the Ravens to a championship.

So taking all of this into consideration, does Favre really have to do a whole lot?  The obvious answer is no, but ESPN will force-feed you a different answer.  My advice? Just keep doing what you’re doing when watching Minnesota this year and keep muting the TV and pay attention to what you’re seeing on the field:  a damn good football team and legitimate contender for a championship.  With a sold o-line, a nasty front-7 on defense, and a game-breaking running game, the Vikings are for real.

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The only thought running through my head three quarters into the Green Bay-Chicago game this past Sunday was “someone shoot me in the groin… please.”  Titans lose by 3, favorite college team loses by 3, and my fantasy team was only up by 3 and my studs were sucking it up.  Then came the Aaron Rodgers touchdown to Greg Jennings and I was hooting and hollering like a lunatic.  I wound up winning this week, but at a huge cost.  This weekend aged me terribly, and I now suffer from self-inflicted male pattern baldness.  But that is why I love football, and that is why I love fantasy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  It is impossible to predict who will have a good week and who will not(unless you are ruggedly good looking and part human part horse.)  But that is what my purpose in life is.  To supply you with names of players who will do well, and who won’t.  And last week I did… about average.  Some guys went off, some guys didn’t.  But you should trust a winner.  And I am indeed a winner.  And you WILL follow my advice, because that is the way of the world.

Hotties:

• Peyton Manning: This is only a crush still.  Nothing like AP and Drew Brees last week.  But he is looking at a Miami secondary that allowed Matt Ryan to floss their faces.  Plus there’s something adorable about his mongoloid look.
• Aaron Rodgers: Might be a tad biased, but I am liking this guy more and more.  Once he shaved the molestache off he put up solid numbers against a surprisingly good Chicago defense.  He’s also going up against the Orange Asian Tigers, who’s defense has more holes in it than Shia Labeouf’s hit movie.
• Adrian Peterson: Once again, this is looking like another bromantic week for Killer Croc(my nickname for him after I saw that weird Nike commercial 24 times.)  He’s facing off against a TERRIBLE Detroit team.  Drew Brees threw for 6 TDs last week, funny part being three of those he threw left handed.  That’s how bad this team really is.
• Clinton Portis:  Looking good heading into this week against St. Louis.  If he doesn’t score 15 points then we’ll know how terrible the Redskins really are.
• Reggie Wayne: Must be nice being the only target Peyton has to go to.  Guy put up great numbers last week, and same as Peyt he’s playing against Miami.  Only two words to describe this attractive performance: man-handling.
• Andre Johnson:  He’s already sent the invites out for a post game 200 yard game celebration.  I hate to say it, but the Titans don’t have anyone who can cover him.  Finnegan is too short, and we all know Nick Harper is going to stay in a cover 2 zone in the flats.  Damn he looks good.

The face that launched a thousand ships

Fuglies:

• Matt Forte:  Didn’t do jack against a decent Green Bay defense.  Now he’s playing Pittsburgh, who boasts one of the top defenses in the league.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Kevin Smith:  Guy couldn’t even run against New Orleans.  What’s it going to be like against a stout Minnesota run D? Fugly
• Steven Jackson: Think he could be a permanent fix in this category.  Talented back, God awful team.  Plus Washington didn’t let the Giants run on them.  And one can only imagine that St.Louis is going to be down the entire game.
• Philip Rivers:  Baltimore is better on defense than the Oakland Raiders.  Period
• Carson Palmer: Besides his problem of being overrated, he has to play Green Bay.  They made Jay Cutler look like a fool.
• Vincent Jackson:  Same as his annoying QB.  Baltimore is A LOT better on defense than the Oakland Raiders.  If he were walking by me down the street I do everything to avoid eye contact.
• Marques Colston:  Phili looked sexual on defense against Carolina.  If Drew Brees is going to have success, it’s going to be throwing to multiple receivers.  They’ll gear in on Colston though, I tell you what.

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I honestly envy you.  If only I had someone as wonderful as myself writing about which players are hot and which ones are not, my early days of fantasy would’ve been so much easier.  But once again I digress…  Everyone likes to do a weekly love/hate column and rank players.  But not Lando.  He doesn’t love a girl on the first date.  For the entire Fantasy Football Season I am going to be posting my weekly Hotties and Fuglies column.

Hotties:

• Adrian Peterson: It’s official.  This mancrush has just become bromantic.  Peterson plays the Browns this weekend, which means he is going to rush for oodles upon oodles of yards.  Plus it’s the Browns, need I say more?
• Kevin Smith: Ok.  He still is on the Detroit Lions.  Doesn’t change the fact that he’s going up against New Orleans, and that they are starting a rookie QB.  Not expecting Stafford to be throwing it a ton.
• Baltimore Rushing Game: F***ing Ravens.  Words can’t even begin to describe how much I hate that team.  But Kansas City is absolutely terrible on D.  I mean terrible.  When an overweight Lendale White breaks off an 80 yard TD against you it’s time to sell your team and start over.
• Drew Brees: This guy is so hot right now.  I expect him to pass for 5000 yards just this week, matching up with Detroit.  And he smells good too.
• Aaron Rodgers: Good lookin fella.  Facing off against Chicago aka most overrated defense of the past two years.  They allowed Kerry Collins to torch them for 289 yards and 2 TDs.  Nuff said.
• Calvin Johnson: Anyone who can appeal to my childhood TV watching days is automatically hot in my book.  The guy’s nickname is Megatron.  mmmm…… Plus it’s safe to say that the Lions are going to be playing from behind, so look for a lot of throws going his way.
• Roddy White: Going against the Miami Dolphins secondary.  Can you think of anyone who can stop him?  Me neither.

That's right man. Work it for Lando

Fuglies:

• Chris Johnson: My keyboard is speckled with tears right now, but we play Pitt at Pitt.  Needless to say I don’t think he has a solid week.
• Willie Parker: Same token as with CJ, this punk has to go up against us.  I wouldn’t want to be seen with him in my lineup this week.
• Ryan Grant: Chicago still has a very good run defense.  Even that doesn’t change the fact that Grant was a one hit wonder.
• Jay Cutler: Green Bay still has a secondary.  Plus he didn’t wow me during the preseason as I thought he would.
• Brett Favre: I don’t care how good those jeans look.  He destroyed my entire summer with his shenanigans.  Plus this is Peterson’s game.
• Vincent Jackson: Going to be covered by Nand… Nama….. that guy.
• Braylon Edwards: If he could catch and if he knew who his QB was than maybe he’d have a better chance at being attractive.

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This one came out well and is quite funny. It helps we all hate Brett Favre and love making fun of him. If you enjoy this also, THEN DEFINITELY LISTEN!

However, if you love Brett Favre, then stop reading my site you asshole. Also don’t listen to this.

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He is back… again. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger making 8 different Terminator movies, Favre has decided to add another chapter to his already annoying as hell saga. I honestly had hoped that he was going to stay retired. Guess I didn’t cross my fingers hard enough.

With Favre making his return he has rocked the sports world yet again. He has also rocked the alternate universe that I have submerged myself in known as fantasy football. His impact on the Vikings will be huge. Adrian Peterson gets much more dangerous, and his receivers get a huge boost to their draft stock. What could possibly go wrong?

This is EXACTLY what we thought a year ago when he donned a Jets jersey and had them poised to contend for the Super Bowl. Thomas Jones never ran better, passes were on point, Jerricho Cotchery continuously screwed me over in two leagues because he forgot how to catch the f***ing ball!! I digress, excuse me. Then what happened? Injury, age, and a tougher schedule.

And that is what I’m predicting to happen this year. He is going to have the Vikings perched on top of the NFC North, looking like the absolute faves to win it all. Then once the going gets tough he is going to suck hard, just like my neighbor serenading me through the wall of my apartment.

My thoughts on Vikings fantasy players this year:

• Adrian Peterson is the best back in the league, hands down.  If you have the number one pick use it on him.  (I mean have you seen that commercial on TV, where he’s running shirtless?  I have no idea what he’s advertising but  it really makes me want to read that book I have about life in Ancient Greece.)
  

  Peterson fills me with hope. And some other feelings that are confusing and weird..

• Visanthe Shiancoe is a top ten tight end.  I thought so last year when Rogersworthe won a league on Shiancoe’s shoulders.
• Bernard Berrian and potentially  Percy Harvin will play well until Favre hits his midseason decline.  If owned, I would trade ASAP after they have a good game while their stock is still high.

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