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Lando’s Fantasy Revenge List

December 30th, 2009 by Lando | 6 Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

It is the end of the fantasy season.

There are a select few who can look back at this season and smile.  They can congratulate themselves on a job well done, and another fantasy title added to the trophy case.

But the majority of us are losers, this year myself included.  We’re not blessed like the assclowns who won our league.  Shit just doesn’t seem to go our way.  And there are plenty of excuses as to why we lost.  Take the guy who won my league, for instance.  This guy wasn’t able to show up for the draft, so he had to live with the autodraft.  He got decent players, nothing too impressive, just middle of the pack guys.  EVERY team that faced him each week, had a bad week.  He was nowhere near leading our league in scoring.  Not even close.  His team wasn’t touched by injuries, and all of his drafted players played light’s out when they had to.  And when they didn’t, the other team played way worse.  It was between him and me in the championship, and he has his best week yet.  He blew me away.   Shoot me.  In. The groin.

Which brings me to my main point.  I could have beaten him.  Easily.  If I had made a first round pick worth a damn.  Instead, I have Matt Forte.  And I know many of you are in the same boat as I am.  You draft guys who should do well, and yet for some magical reason they fail miserably.  So I’ve made a list.  A list that will air grievances against all the fantasy prospects that panned out for others, but puked all over themselves for you.  And guess who I’m starting with…

  • Matt Forte:  You stupid piece of shit.  You had so much potential this year.  I envisioned you putting up Ray Rice numbers.  Last year you rush for 1200 yards, and had 477 yards receiving.  Oh and put up 12 total touchdowns.  That was with Kyle Orton as your QB.  Jay Cutler comes to town, who I still think is better than he’s played all year, and you take a dump over me and my running back corps.  Just to let you know that Knowshon Moreno has more rushing yards than you dipshit.  You only found the endzone 4 times this entire year.  Please end your life.
  • Greg Jennings:  If you were to tell me at the beginning of the year that Miles Austin, The Other Steve Smith, and Robert Meachem were going to have better fantasy points than Greg Jennings I might have laughed.  If you than added in that Aaron Rodgers would throw for over 4ooo yards and 29 touchdowns I would have said you were full of it.  But no.  He flubbed.  Asshole was johnny on the spot for two years.  Last year he put up 1200 yards receiving and had 9 TDs.  This year he barely breaks 1000 and found the endzone only 4 times.  Wake up fuckmook.  Next.

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 16

December 22nd, 2009 by Lando | 2 Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

This is it.

This is the end.  The end of the fantasy football season as we know it.  I can’t believe I’m having to write these words.  But all good things must come to an end, and all leagues must have  champion.  As many of you know, I wrote about how Rogersworthe and I were facing off in the first week of the playoffs.  I don’t think I need to tell you who came out on top(It was me.  I came out on top.  Fuck yes.)

There are some great match ups this week.  Soak it all in, you gentle readers.  For it will be another year before I grace you with my fantasy wisdom.  But everyone strap it on, this is going to be one fucking bumpy ride.  Lets do this.

Hotties:

  • Ricky Williams:  Guess the lesson is smoke weed.  And a lot of it.  Because it is working like a charm for this 32 year old stud.
  • Adrian Peterson:  He is easily the second best back in the league at this point.  He’s got more power than CJ, but he fumbles every time the wind blows.  But look for big things from him this week against Chicago.  Because they suck.  Long.  And hard.
  • Frank Gore:  Who can Detroit defend?  I think even ex-Titan Chris Henry could run for 150 yards and two TDs against the Lions.
  • Aaron Rodgers: First I have to give a special shout out to my boy Aaron right here.  The guy has been a rock for me this entire season.  And he led my team, Electric Dream Machine, to victory over Rogersworthe with nearly 40 points.  He is a fantasy stud.  He’s going to throw for 4000 yards for the second year in a row.  Gah I’m gushing.  Oh and if you thought last week was anything guess who he faces this week?  The one and only Seattle Seahawks.
  • Philip Rivers:  If he starts with the rest of his offense he is going to annihilate any hope the Titans have of making the playoffs.  And considering we just lost Keith Bulluck and still start Nick Harper, those chances are looking pretty strong.
  • Kurt Warner:  Prove me wrong here St. Louis.  All I want for Christmas is to watch Kurt Warner suffer.  And to see the Titans win.  And a Lamborghini.
  • Andre Johnson:  I said it at the end of last year, and I’m saying it right now.  He is the best receiver in football.  Better than Fitzgerald.  There is no one in this league that can cover him.
  • Vincent Jackson:  All they need to do is line him up against Nick Harper every time and he’ll break Randy Moss’ record for touchdowns in a season.  This guy is a beast, and I hope Norv Turner benches the first and second stringers on Friday.
  • Miles Austin:  It pains me to say it, but this guy is good.  And I hate that I had the opportunity to pick him up before he exploded and I didn’t.  I’m human too.
  • Keith Bulluck:  I’m inserting him here, just for fun.  I love you man.  There is not a single Titans fan out there that wants to see you go.  Can’t believe you’re gone for the season.  Stay with us man.  You have been a rock for years, and a link to the earlier decade teams.  We’ve been with you through the good and bad.  You’re a better man than I am Keith Bulluck.

 

/ruins keyboard with drool

 

 

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PosseCast: NFL Lines Week 15

December 17th, 2009 by Rogersworthe | No Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football, PosseCasts

So Lando and The Meena join me as usual, but we have a special cameo by Spizz for him to talk about his epic win in the greatest Fantasy Football League in the world, The Pickle Factory. The final playoff spot up for grabs, he faced the one guy who had the same record as him. Winner take all, Spizz was down by 6 going into the Monday Night game with Vernon Davis against Anquan Boldin. Davis then outplayed Boldin and won the game by .28 of a point.

After Spizz finished bragging, Lando, The Meena, and I move on to review Week 14 and then go on into picking the games for Week 15. We also ended up discussing things like HGH in the NFL, Mike Holmgren to Cleveland, Jamarcus Russell vs. Ryan Leaf for biggest bust ever, and the Chris Johnson vs. Ted Ginn racing controversy.

Anyways, this one is a doozy so take a listen and enjoy the ramblings of 3 geniuses.

  • Rogersworthe – Week 14 Record: 8-8 Season Record: 93-81-2
  • The Meena – Week 14 Record: 11-5 Season Record: 85-89-2

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 15

December 16th, 2009 by Lando | 5 Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

So here we are….

It’s nearly the end of the year.  And the reality of it is starting to set in.  Football is almost over.  My stomach drops every time I think about this.  Football is almost over.  It’s like when you’re in a relationship and you just have this feeling that it’s going to end.  That’s why I always take the initiative and dump every chick after the first three dates.  Guess that explains why I’m desperately alone.  And have developed an eating disorder.  Anyways…

On to all things fantasy.  The greatest league in the world has entered the first round of playoffs.  I’ll let the beautiful readers guess who I’m facing off against this week.  You guessed right.  The one and only Rogersworthe.  It’ll be a battle for the ages, a fight that will be truly as epic as the fight against Troy.  But we still have a lot of great match ups this week in fantasy, and I am looking forward to telling you ALL about them.  Lets do this.

Hotties:

  • Adrian Peterson:  He’s back.  I think he hit a slump once he figured out he was the 2nd best back in the league.  But Carolina’s run D has been atrocious this year.  And the Favre collapse was predicted by the Mayans to happen halfway through December 2009.  So All Day is going to have some fun this week.
  • Jamaal Charles:  How well do you think he would’ve done if he had started at the beginning of the year?  He is doing a bang up job for a terrible, terrible team.  He is living proof as to why Todd Haley is a bad head coach.  Keep it up man.  Keep it up.
  • Ricky Williams:  I’m genuinely nervous.  The reason why we were able to stop Steven Jackson is because his team blows black dick.  They killed themselves with penalties, and had a rookie starting at QB.  The Dolphins are infinitely better than the Rams.  We have a lot in common with these South Florida fags, but I think their D is a shade better.  Going to be a good game.
  • Aaron Rodgers:  I’m going to go out on a limb and say this right here.  The Steelers are nothing without Troy.  Madden Curse strikes again.  And the Packers are one of the hottest teams in football right now.  It wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up making a deep playoff run.  I would let Aaron punch me in the face and pour honey all over my naked body for the year he’s given me in fantasy btw.
  • Kurt Warner:  What an implosion.  The Cardinals had a chance to seal the deal, but instead they turn the ball over seven times.  And Kurt was responsible for three.  I would love to say that the old Warner is back, but they play the Lions this weekend.  You lucked out this time assclown.  Just remember there is always next week for me to tear your ass apart in the back alley behind Hooters.
  • Vince Young:  I think Bonnie Tyler really sang the song Bright Eyes about you Vince.  We really need you now tonight.  We fucking need you more than ever.  Because our offense is stagnant without you at the helm.  Come back to us.
  • Andre Johnson:  Did anyone watch the Texans-Seahawks game?  Because Andre took a shit all over the damn field.  And guess who he plays this week.  The Rams.  Nuff said.
  • DeSean Jackson:  I was cruising through the ole Thesaurus and the word “explosive” had Jackson’s name right under it.  Hand to God.
  • Marques Colston:  Has anyone seen the video of Terrance Newman riding a roller coaster for the first time?  Based on his girl-like screams alone, it proves he doesn’t have shit on Colston.  And I love watching Wade Phillips suffer.
/ breathes into bag rapidly

/ breathes into bag rapidly

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 14

December 9th, 2009 by Lando | No Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

This is what it sounds like when the doves cry…

The magic is almost gone.  The Titans losing to the Colts on Sunday socked us all back into reality.  There was no way we were going to win 10 games in a row, there was no way we were going to magically get into the playoffs.  If you are anything like me you were ripping your eyes out of their sockets when you saw Nate Washington drop that pass that would’ve changed the game.  Why??  How could you drop that?  You’re WIDE open, and an NFL receiver to boot, and you drop a pass that hits you directly in the hands.  I had to do a line of crushed valium while choke holding myself to get high enough to forget that one play.  Nate Washington, what a tool.  What a tool.

This is a big week for most fantasy leagues.  At least it is in the greatest league in the world, The Pickle Factory.  We cancel out Week 17 for a reason, so this is the final week of the regular season for us.  Lots of you are going to be in an epic struggle for a playoff spot(unless your name begins with an L, and you use Magnums on a regular basis.)  So this is the one time you will want to read this article and take it’s advice.  Because THIS is the most important week in fantasy football.  So to quote the immortal Trick Daddy featuring Lil Jon, ” Let’s Go.”

Hotties:

  • Jessica Alba in Sin City:  Watched this movie just last night.  Good Lord.  If you’ve watched this movie and weren’t instantly aroused when you first see her, than I don’t know what to tell you.  You have some serious, serious issues.  I just covered my keyboard in drool thinking about it…
  • Ray Rice:  It’s safe to say he disappointed everyone last week with only 5 points.  But looky here.  He’s playing Detroit.  At home.  I know I’m going out on a limb here, but he’s going to have a great week.
  • Rashard Mendenhall:  I’ve said it before and I’m only going to say it again.  Good God Cleveland sucks.  Why are they still a team?  Why?  Out of all the nonsensical things the league reviews nowadays, why can’t it be a team’s performance for the season?  I’m all up for the NFL fining teams as bad as the Lions and Browns for just sucking shit week in and week out.
  • Steven Jackson:  I feel like this is going to be like the second Jacksonville game.  Chris Johnson is going to run all over the Rams, and Steven Jackson is going to run all over the Titans.  It seems like the only thing our defense does best is bite on every single play action call.  We lead the league in starting old shitty veterans who have no business being on the football field anymore though.  We’ve got that going for us.
  • Aaron Rodgers:  Woah…. Green Bay is actually pretty damn good.  It looks like they finally worked out their pass protection woes, and their defense is one of the best in the league.  They are almost the complete opposite of Chicago.  Oh and Matt Forte can go to hell.
  • Philip Rivers:  He’s got the Chargers on lock.  I don’t think Dallas’ porous D will be too much of a problem for this stud.  Hot to trot.
  • Kurt Warner:  What is this world coming to????
  • Andre Johnson:  What does Seattle do well?  It kinda makes me laugh that Rogersworthe predicted them to win the NFC West.  You know I almost believed him.  I feel really bad for Aaron Curry.  The guy is a stud, yet he is stuck on such a terrible, terrible team.  Just find a way to get cut and come to the Titans.  Bulluck is getting old anyways.
  • Reggie Wayne:  Got shut down last week against Les Titans, (for those of you who don’t speak French, that’s The Titans.)  Doesn’t change the fact that Champ Bailey is overrated and that Wayne is still one of the top receivers in the league.
  • Santonio Holmes:  You’ve done me proud the past couple of weeks.  Continue to do so, and you will be amply rewarded with my praise.
good lord.....

good lord.....

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 13

December 2nd, 2009 by Lando | 4 Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

I am thankful for so many things in this past week.

Especially being present at one of the greatest comeback victories I’ve ever seen.  Being at LP Field when Kenny Britt came down with that TD catch was…. amazing.  Watching Vince Young prove me wrong was…  amazing.  It’s great being labeled the hottest team in football.  I couldn’t have labeled us hotter if I tried.  Just to get this out of the way.  I love Titans football.  Love it.

Now onto everything that’s fantasy.  I could pull my usual and write about how disappointed I am in Greg Jennings.  But I’ve done that so many times.  He’ll get his once the revenge list comes around.  But for now I recommend to all fantasy owners, if you can, bench this son of a bitch.  For Lando.  Now this week is absolutely full of sexcellent match ups, so…. lets rock this bitch.

Hotties:

  • Chris Johnson:  Can anyone be hotter right now?  I felt like he was kept in check, and he still had 150 yards and a TD.  Even with Indy’s decent D, he is first on this list.  Easily.
  • Ray Rice:  One of the most complete backs in the league.  He is the Brian Westbrook for the Eagles, and with that versatility comes oodles of fantasy value.  If he is on your bench for any reason, you seriously need to reconsider your  life.
  • Matt Forte:  This is you week botard.  St. Louis lets me run all over them.  If you don’t have a good week you sink to Jennings’ level.  You’re barely above him.  Do me proud Matt.  Do me proud.
  • Brett Favre:  I have entered an entirely new realm of self loathing.  Shoot me in the groin for putting him on the list.
  • Peyton Manning:  He’s cooled off a bit from the beginning of the year.  But he is still facing the Titans’ terrible secondary.  Maybe if Rod Hood was starting instead of Nick “I can’t cover worth a shit” Harper, I’d have a little more faith.  But considering what Peyton did to us last time….
  • Donovan McNabb:  Is there any team in the league right now that  is colder than Atlanta?  What in the Good Lord’s name happened to Matt Ryan?  Even without DeSean Jackson the Eagles still have the fire power to blast the Falcons in the ass.
  • Miles Austin:  I would love nothing more than to see the Cowboys crush the Giants.  One of the few times this year I will be cheering for Homo and the Boys.
  • Marques Colston:  Great article on ESPN today, about how he shuns the spotlight.  Really touched me.  Marques Colston is truly one of America’s unsung heroes.
  • Vince Young:  I couldn’t resist.  Vince Young Victory Month!!! WOOOOOO!!
Viva VYVM

Viva VYVM

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 11

November 25th, 2009 by Lando | No Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

I love football.

Especially when the Titans completely own the Texans on Monday Night Football.  What a game.  In part of VYVW part 4, I’m going to give Vince Young a special shout out right here.  I’m sorry Vince.  I didn’t believe.  Hadn’t for a year and a half.  But you’ve grown up sir.  It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong, and today I am that man.  I have been wrong about you so far.  Keep up the good work, and a special post is going your way.  From me.  Free of charge.

Onwards and upwards to everything that is fantasy.  Greg Jennings rose from the dead this past weekend to put up 18 points of sheer hotness.  Still doesn’t make up for a season of shit so far, but he’s been bumped down a tiny bit on the Revenge List.  And if anyone would have told me that Ricky Williams would’ve been a top 5 fantasy back this year, I would’ve laughed and said “bitch, you crazy.”  But he is.  And he’s looking good whilst doing it.  But now the time has come to talk of bigger things.  So buckle up this week, cause we’re in for a wild, wild ride.

Hotties:

  • Chris Johnson:  Is there a hotter player in the league right now?  The answer is no.  Against Houston he had a “bad” game, and he had 151 yards rushing.  The Cardinals have a good run D, but nothing is stopping CJ from being productive right now.  Not even my relentless stalking.
  • Ricky Williams:  I could’ve sworn that his stats last week were a blast from the past brought here by a Delorean.  Turns out I was wrong.  Ricky is a good back, top 5 in the league as of right now.  Think the Bills are going to stop him?  Yeah.  Thought so too.
  • Rashard Mendenhall:  Why do people think that Baltimore has a good defense?  Why?  This isn’t 8 years ago.  They’ve been run over all year.  Mendenhall looks quite good looking to me this week.
  • Aaron Rodgers:  Anyone playing the Browns and Lions are going to have HUGE stats.  Huge.
  • Vince Young:  I could kiss you.  Four games in a row, and you’ve looked solid doing so.  I have new found confidence in myself, thanks to you.  Keep it going tiger.
  • Carson Palmer:  Did anyone watch the Lions-Browns game last week?  The Browns have a terrible, terrible defense.  If you let Matthew Stafford throw all over you, what do you think Palmer is going to do?  Hottie.
  • Larry Fitzgerald:  Nick Harper is going to be the death of me.
  • Greg Jennings:  Dare I say it?  He’s had one of the most disappointing seasons out of any receiver in the league.  This is the true test.  If you do not put up numbers this week against the Lions, than your name shall be stricken from the record.
Hes looking a little like the future right now

He's looking a little like the future right now

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 11

November 18th, 2009 by Lando | No Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

Damn is it Week 11 already?

It seemed just like yesterday that I was preparing my draft boards.  And now here we are.  A few weeks shy of the playoffs.  And there is only one thing on my mind.  What is the best way for me to rub it in that I beat Rogersworthe last week?  Because let me say it again.  I, Lando, beat Rogersworthe.  Last week.  I’ve never made an O face so big on Monday.  No thanks to Greg Jennings aka Most Hated Player on Lando’s Revenge List.

Well we’re looking at an amazing week.  Lots of hot Hotties, and lots of fugly Fuglies.  Worried about who to start and who to sit?  Don’t be.  Cause Lando is here to pick that slack up for you.  So lets get this started.

Hotties:

  • Chris Johnson:  I’m in love with a man.  And his name is Chris “Fuck Geometry” Johnson.  The Texans aren’t too bad this year, but this is usually where they start to implode.  I predict that he doubles his output from the first Texans game.  Keep rocking it on broheem.
  • Maurice Jones-Drew:  Kneeling on the goal line.  Nothing makes fantasy owners more sick than hearing about how your stud running back took a knee at the one yard line.  Dick.  But all things being said, Jones-Drew is a stud.  And he is going to put up CJ like numbers on the atrocious Bills D.  So do yo thang MJD.
  • Rashard Mendenhall:  As weird as this sounds the Bengals are good.  Really good.  But don’t let one off week set you off of Rashard.  Cause Kansas City is going to be a pushover.  Just like me in all my relationships. (Kills self)
  • Matt Schaub:  The Titans secondary is one of the worst I’ve seen in years.  The safeties are good at one thing: biting on EVERY mothaf*&#@$((*#& play action!!!  Excuse me.  But Schaub had the best game of his life in Week 2 against the Titans.  I think he gets close to that again.
  • Philip Rivers:  The Chargers are starting to catch fire again.  The Broncos were a six game wonder.  My bets are on Rivers having a ginormous game.
  • Brett Favre:  Someone remove me as an author of this blog.  Right now.
  • Andre Johnson:  Freak of nature.  I like Rod Hood.  But there is no way he is going to be able to cover this man.  Sighhh…. I hope our offense does well.
  • Calvin Johnson:  If he was lucky and smart he only signed a four year contract.  Because he deserves to play on a better team.  Like Tennessee.  But this is the one time I’m banking on him and Matt Stafford actually getting their shit together and beating the Browns aka Worst Sports Team in America.  Even worse than the Clippers.
You really need to leave Detroit broheem

You really need to leave Detroit broheem

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Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 10

November 11th, 2009 by Lando | No Comments | Filed in Fantasy Football

It’s always been said that Week 10 is the most important when it comes to epic match ups.

And the same can be said for the greatest fantasy league in the world, The Pickle Factory.  This is the week that Rogersworthe and I face off against each other, in what is surely going to be a fight for the ages.  And in all probability his team is going to work mine.  I’ve been in a huge slump the last 4 weeks, going 1-3.  I couldn’t have a team filled with more underachieving running backs and wide receivers.  But I have faith this week.  Faith that my boys will rise to the challenge, and crush my fellow writer.

Starting this week I’m going to do something a little different.  I’m going to add a defensive hotties section to all my articles from here on out.  Not D/ST.  Individual defensive players.  And only a hotties section, because it’s nearly impossible to predict who is going to do poorly defensively.  But with that being said, let’s get this show on the road.

Offensive Hotties:

  • Chris Johnson:  My feelings can only be described for you in the classic song Endless Love.  He’s been on fire the past three games, hell almost the entire season.  And this week against Buffalo should be a cake walk.  Just know CJ I would be that fool, for you.
  • Adrian Peterson:  It’s almost not fair how Peterson gets to play the Lions twice.  As usual, the Lions just gave up after winning one game.  I think the Lions could stack 11 in the box and All Day would still beat his single game rushing record.  Hottie.
  • Ray Rice:  Best dual threat back in the league.  Hands down.  If he doesn’t have an insanely good game against the ever so bad Browns, I’ll quit fantasy for life.  Not really.  But for real.
  • Peyton Manning:  Might be a little obvious, but the Pats don’t have the greatest passing defense in the league.  And the Colts can’t run the ball to save their lives.  I mean, Peyton threw the ball 40 f@#$@%@# times in the first half!!!  Lando thinks he’ll have a big game.
  • Drew Brees:  Saints against the Rams.  Need I say more?
  • Tony Romo:  The Cowboys are one of the hottest teams in the league right now.  Somehow Romo remembered that he can play at a Pro Bowl level.  And just look at what Josh Freeman of all people did to the Pack last week.
  • Brandon Marshall:  Why is Washington still allowed to play week in and week out?
  • Vincent Jackson:  Just like the Chargers as a team, Jackson has quietly climbed to the top.  One of the best receivers in the league at this point.  The Eagles represent are one of the more two-faced teams in the league.  Either they put up 35 points and make you look like an idiot, or they just piss their pants and lose to Oakland.
  • Donald Driver:  I hate Greg Jennings.  With the heat of a thousand suns.
Ive found in you, my endless love.

I've found in you, my endless love.

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