Lando’s Hotties and Fuglies: Week 15

So here we are….

It’s nearly the end of the year.  And the reality of it is starting to set in.  Football is almost over.  My stomach drops every time I think about this.  Football is almost over.  It’s like when you’re in a relationship and you just have this feeling that it’s going to end.  That’s why I always take the initiative and dump every chick after the first three dates.  Guess that explains why I’m desperately alone.  And have developed an eating disorder.  Anyways…

On to all things fantasy.  The greatest league in the world has entered the first round of playoffs.  I’ll let the beautiful readers guess who I’m facing off against this week.  You guessed right.  The one and only Rogersworthe.  It’ll be a battle for the ages, a fight that will be truly as epic as the fight against Troy.  But we still have a lot of great match ups this week in fantasy, and I am looking forward to telling you ALL about them.  Lets do this.

Hotties:

• Adrian Peterson:  He’s back.  I think he hit a slump once he figured out he was the 2nd best back in the league.  But Carolina’s run D has been atrocious this year.  And the Favre collapse was predicted by the Mayans to happen halfway through December 2009.  So All Day is going to have some fun this week.
• Jamaal Charles:  How well do you think he would’ve done if he had started at the beginning of the year?  He is doing a bang up job for a terrible, terrible team.  He is living proof as to why Todd Haley is a bad head coach.  Keep it up man.  Keep it up.
• Ricky Williams:  I’m genuinely nervous.  The reason why we were able to stop Steven Jackson is because his team blows black dick.  They killed themselves with penalties, and had a rookie starting at QB.  The Dolphins are infinitely better than the Rams.  We have a lot in common with these South Florida fags, but I think their D is a shade better.  Going to be a good game.
• Aaron Rodgers:  I’m going to go out on a limb and say this right here.  The Steelers are nothing without Troy.  Madden Curse strikes again.  And the Packers are one of the hottest teams in football right now.  It wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up making a deep playoff run.  I would let Aaron punch me in the face and pour honey all over my naked body for the year he’s given me in fantasy btw.
• Kurt Warner:  What an implosion.  The Cardinals had a chance to seal the deal, but instead they turn the ball over seven times.  And Kurt was responsible for three.  I would love to say that the old Warner is back, but they play the Lions this weekend.  You lucked out this time assclown.  Just remember there is always next week for me to tear your ass apart in the back alley behind Hooters.
• Vince Young:  I think Bonnie Tyler really sang the song Bright Eyes about you Vince.  We really need you now tonight.  We fucking need you more than ever.  Because our offense is stagnant without you at the helm.  Come back to us.
• Andre Johnson:  Did anyone watch the Texans-Seahawks game?  Because Andre took a shit all over the damn field.  And guess who he plays this week.  The Rams.  Nuff said.
• DeSean Jackson:  I was cruising through the ole Thesaurus and the word “explosive” had Jackson’s name right under it.  Hand to God.
• Marques Colston:  Has anyone seen the video of Terrance Newman riding a roller coaster for the first time?  Based on his girl-like screams alone, it proves he doesn’t have shit on Colston.  And I love watching Wade Phillips suffer.

/ breathes into bag rapidly

Defensive Hotties:

• Jon Beason:  Just leave that shit eating team and come play for the Titans.  Please?  I’ll be your friend.
• Curtis Lofton:  The Jets don’t have a QB who can throw the ball past 20 yards.  So what are they going to try and do?  Run the ball.  Oodles of tackles for Lofton.
• James Laurinaitis:  Having a surprisingly solid year.  The Rams are bad, so teams are going to build up a giant lead and start to run the ball.  Thus resulting in plays from this young buck.
• Patrick Willis:  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out he’s hung like a horse too.

Fuglies:

• Brandon Jacobs:  Fuck the Giants.  Nothing does my heart more good than to watch your team crash and burn.  Go fuck yourselves New York.
• Rashard Mendenhall:  Somehow the Packers have come out with the best defense in the NFL.  They work the 3-4 to perfection.  I would honestly be surprised if Mendenhall has over 60 yards rushing.
• DeAngelo Williams:  As much as I hate Brett Favre, you have to show respect to the Vikings run D.  They have on of the most stout d lines I’ve ever seen.  DeAngelo is not going to do shit this weekend.  Ugly as fuck.
• Brett Favre:  The collapse is near.  I can feel it.  Pretty sure there’s a screenplay in the works starring John Cussack for when this historical moment takes place.
• Eli Manning:  Had to listen to a botard at work try and tell me Eli is one of the best QBs in the league.  He also tried to tell me that he’s passed for 4000 yards each season and hit 30 TDs twice.  Making up stats is fun isn’t it fuck head?  Because he has done neither, and is lucky to be wearing a Super Bowl ring.  I hate the Pats, but replay that game and the Giants only win once every ten tries.  Do your damn research chicken shit.
• Calvin Johnson:  Megatron seriously, get some fucking sense and move to Nashville.  Give in to your urges.
• Vincent Jackson:  Guy has disappeared.  And I really hate that the Chargers have so much success in December.  But this time Cinci is actually going to step up when it matters most.

Well this rounds up the second to last Hotties and Fuglies.  Good luck in the playoffs, and remember.  Cheer for me over Rogersworthe.  Because I love you.

Tags: Adrian Peterson, beautiful beefcakes, fantasy football playoffs, i'm in love with jessica biel, lando is the shit