Opponent Bashing Thursday: New England Patriots

So, Spizz, a kind and gentle soul who understands the needs of his fellow man, texted me this week and asked, “Would you like to fill in for opponent bashing this week? I know the Patriots have a special spot of hatred in your heart.”

Yes, Spizz, I certainly do. But see, it isn’t just the Patriots. It’s Boston. That whole damn city is evil. And not only is it Boston, it’s NEW ENGLAND. I HATE NEW ENGLAND. Hate time:

• Somehow, Boston gets this reputation for being a smart town. With MIT and Harvard in town, people assume that it means the city has some sort of special amount of smart people. However the combined enrollment of these two schools are 25,796. The city itself has a population of 7,514,759. That means the city of Boston has a population of 7,488,963 of loud assholes named Sully wearing a Red Sox hat backwards while they call each other “gay”, “fahkin retahded”, and “Dahnkin Donahts”. That city STANDS ON THE SHOULDERS OF INTELLECTUAL GIANTS!!   *throws up on himself*
• Speaking of, the Bostonian accent is literally the most annoying English based accent in the world. New Englanders like to claim its actually a Southern accent, but I would rather listen to Scarlett O’Hara any day than some douche bag from Boston discuss why Wes Welker is better than Jerry Rice.
• Good Will Hunting was a pretty decent movie. Only one problem with it: it spawned a generation of Bostonians who now say every chance they get, “How do ya like them apples?” Listen needle dick, ITS NOT FUNNY WHEN YOU DO IT! ITS STUPID! YOU SOUND LIKE A CLICHED MORON WHO CAN’T COME UP WITH A REAL THOUGHT!!

Thanks for spawning the worst catchphrase in the history of the world, douchenozzle.

• The word “wicked”. Nothing makes me want stab someone in the face with my house key, then stick them in a box with 300 starved, rabies infested rats than somebody saying, “That was wicked awesome!”. Go fahk yahself.
• Peter King lives there.
• Ted Kennedy. Nothing pissed me off more than all of the tributes to Ted Kennedy. Please explain to me what the hell he did that was so great? Did it ever occur to Bostonians that the reason he never was assassinated was because he was useless? So, all an American Hero has to do is to be born into a rich, corrupt family with mafia ties, win an election in a shit state on the coat tails of your brothers, drown a woman, and then show up drunk and confused until you die of brain cancer. BOOM!! Parade time! The thing that summed up Ted Kennedy for me was the fact that it is unequivocally accepted that the greatest moment of his life was giving the eulogy at his dead brother’s funeral. Good for you, Ted. You exploited your last chance to ride your brother’s coat tails one more time. Boston, you’re hateful and retarded.
• Bill Belichick is a fraud of a coach. Here is the proof: Super Bowls won during Spygate controversies – 3. Super Bowls won since Spygate was revealed – FUCKING ZERO. ‘NUFF SAID. Why don’t you go on another cougar hunt, dipshit?
• The quintessential Bostonian? Troy Duffy. The man behind the movie Boondock Saints. That movie, while entertaining, is beyond stupid in a lot of ways. 1) How do they get the father out of jail? The mafia is THAT connected? Bullshit. 2) The Catholic Church just lets these brothers walk right up to the altar because they are so holy. Later that night they are cussing up a storm while piss drunk in a bar, then go on a murder spree. Right. Anyways, on top of that, this Mr. Duffy then ruins his career and the careers of everybody else around him by trying to boss around Hollywood bigshots and demand more money. Ultimately, he ends up making $0 on his own movie and screws all his friends over who were out there borrowing money to support him based on the idea that they would get reimbursed when he signed a movie deal. That sums up Boston.
• The Red Sox are the Yankees, just not as good at it. Yet, they pretend their team is sacrosanct and that the Yankees are evil because they try and squeeze every penny out of their fanbase. Meanwhile, new seats have been built above the Green Monster. Ticket prices are $20,000,000. Also, in case you haven’t heard, THE BRAND NEW DVD RECAP OF THE 2004 BOSTON WORLD SERIES IS COMING OUT FOR ONLY $700!!! SEE ALL NEW RARE FOOTAGE OF KEVIN MILLAR GIVING KEITH FOULKE A NOOGIE!!! Please die.
• Bill Simmons, the BOSTON Sports Guy, the man who represents the greatness that IS Boston, lives in Los Angeles.
• Tom Brady. Oh, Tom. I hate you. I hate you more than I hate… well, Boston. First off, you sucked at Michigan, Ohio State owned your ass, and you lost your starting job to Drew Henson. Nice job, fagface. Secondly, you rode the back of a great defense and Spygate to 3 Super Bowls. Fast Forward to 2007 when without the help of Spygate, the Super Bowl and an undefeated season comes down to one man’s shoulders…. Tom Brady. CHOKED. On top of that, 17 different rule changes in your honor, and you then take it upon yourself to point out when a player almost hits you in the knee to the ref so he can giftwrap a 15 yard penalty for you. PUSSY. YOU’RE A PUSSY!!! SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, BRADY, YOU QUEER, PRETTY BOY, CHEATING SON OF A BITCH!!!

Think banging two hot chicks will wash the gay off, Brady? Well, it didn't. Just look at you. How gay is that?

Wow, that was amazingly therapeutic! I feel so much better… until the Titans lose to these assclowns 27-10. Please, please, I would literally trade winning another game all season if you guys beat the Patriots and injure Tom Brady! JUST ONCE COME THROUGH THIS YEAR WHEN I NEED YOU, TITANS!!! I NEEEEEEEEED YOU!!!

I should probably get some help.

Tags: Boston, Boston is gay, Boston is retarded, Boston sucks ass, Fuck Boston, Good Will Hunting, New England Patriots, NFL Week 6, Peter King, Peter King is retarded, The worst accent in the world, Tom Brady, tom brady is a douche