As a fan of the NFL, these past few weeks have made me so bored I wanted to pry my fingernails off with a bottle opener. I’m so desperate for something to happen that Terell Owens’s show actually held my attention. No fanbase should have to suffer this agony, so here are a few ideas I came up with that would spice up the offseason and stave off self-mutilation.
1. Mascot Death Match
Just imagine–a no-holds-barred professional mascot fighting league. It would be like cockfighting, but with a bunch of different types of animals, all of which are highly anthropomorphic. Ridiculous as this sounds, have you seen the WWE? It’s really not that far of a stretch.
Three rounds. No rules. No mercy.
2. More, better reality T.V. shows
The T.O. Show is a step in the right direction. I’m hoping that in a couple of years time, the NFL Network will have gone the direction of VH1, completely abandoning its original purpose to show reality shows about people on the fringe of being celebrities. “The Smash-n-Dashelorette”. “Survivor: O.J. Edition”. “Matty Ice Road Truckers”. “I Love (Shooting My Leg In) New York”. “Cock of Love (starring Travis Henry)”. The possibilities are endless.
Three more ideas and pictures of Jeff Garcia’s wife after the jump.
3. The World Series
Given the fact that 80% of Americans only watch baseball during the playoffs, why the hell are they held in October, when there are interesting sports to compete for viewers with? If the World Series and Divisional Series can hold my attention at all while football is being played, I think it’s safe to say that I’d be glued to my T.V. every night if these games were in late July. This would also make summer baseball in general more interesting, as the games would actually have a bearing on the season’s outcome.
4. NFL Cheerleader vs. Players’ Girlfriends/Wives powderpuff game
And by “powerpuff game”, I mean “mud wrestling match”.
Damn you, Jeff Garcia.
Damn you, T-Rac.
5. More NFL video games
Between Michael Vick, Pacman, and Tank Johnson, I think Rockstar Games could easily string together an NFL themed Grand Theft Auto. I’d much rather do the bidding of Roger Goodell than that fat asshole Roman. An NFL Need For Speed would also be pretty sweet (Albert Haynesworth and O.J. both come to mind as potential bosses), as would a Street Fighter knock-off. And releasing Madden a couple months earlier wouldn’t hurt either.
Tags: Cheerleaders, Madden 2010, nfl offseason, reality tv, T-Rac, the t.o. show, world series
Dude, these are off the hook.
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