After 14.375 seasons with the Oilers/Titans, Jeff Fisher is set to get his next Tuesday when a roast will be held in his honor to benefit the Cumberland Heights Treatment Clinic (a.k.a. Pacman Jones’ new home). We here at T-Rac’s Posse have the first look at one of the leaked roast speeches, written by former defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz.
“When I was first asked to speak here tonight I was surprised. Hell, firecoachfisher.com is still my homepage. Maybe if that site had succeeded I wouldn’t be living in an abandoned dogfood warehouse, sharing a port-a-john with Daunte Cullpepper in a town that actually brags about being home to Eminem… and Kid Rock. But I can’t really complain. While the quality of my life falls somewhere between that of the kids in Slumdog Millionaire and someone in one of the Saw movies, it’s still night and day better than having to take orders from the Jeffery “Cockshiner” Fisher all day.
Yeah, Jeff may seem stoic, but anyone that gets to know the guy soon learns that what seems like quiet solidarity is actually just a very serious and really fucking annoying case of Asperger’s. I’ve had more stimulating conversations with my Furby. What little personality the man has is usually hidden by three to six hours of pre-game, pre-practice, or pre-whatever-the-fuck-we-happen-to-be-doing-that-day drinking. The only people that can stand to hang out with him for more than ten minutes are Jim Beam and Evan Williams. Personally, I think he’s a bad influence on them. He actually drank T-Rac under the table during the half time show at Super Bowl XXXIV. The man makes John Daly look like a 1920s prohibitionist. I can’t count the number of times he’s been too hungover to coach on Sunday mornings. I’m pretty sure it happened 13 times last season, which was more often than usual (although he did ease up a bit toward the end). We would usually just call up Burt Reynolds, give him a pair of Oakleys, and tell him to mumble a lot. No one ever noticed. We even used Jason Lee once in a pinch, and I couldn’t even tell until the fourth week of the 2001 season.
You know why he’s been coaching longer than anyone else in the NFL? He is literally unable to resign. He’s tried several times, but finally gave up when he accidentally drafted Vince Young while trying to officially step down at the 2006 draft. This mistake caused so much damage that I think he’s just given up altogether and resolved himself to be the Joe Paterno of the NFL. When you get old people have to like you, right? Anyway Jeff, good luck next season, and I hope you burn in Hell for a thousand eternities, you mustachioed son-of-a-bitch. Then you’ll finally get a taste of what it’s like to live in Detroit.”
Tags: Jeff Fisher, jim schwartz, roast, shitty towns
This is hilarious. Imagine the room after a speech like this.
You can’t really believe that Schwartz would make fun of Detroit, roast or no roast. He would be hated, immediately, if he were to say ANYTHING close to what is posted in that first paragraph.